A Life on the Outside

A few people have asked me what it’s like playing in a stronger league on a team with a deep roster. Generally, I tell them that it is all a learning experience for me, that I have slowly been getting used to the more physical, taller players and the faster tempo of the game. I came into this season with the expectation that I would have to play very well to earn a starting role on the team, and that it would take quite a bit of time before that could even happen. But, that doesn’t mean that standing outside of the court during our matches is easy.

Throughout my career as a volleyball player, I’ve spent little time on the bench. The times that I can remember are short and inconsistent with me being subbed in often. So, the situation here in Germany has been different for me. Up until now, I have yet to play my first points in the Bundesliga, in our two matches I’ve watched entirely from off the court.

Not playing is a grind. I’ve never realized what being a bench player entails, besides the physical aspect (standing for two hours and trying to remain warm is not really that easy, at least basketball and football players have actual benches to sit on) the mental side of being a back up is extremely difficult to grasp. Leading up to a match I can feel my body and my mind getting excited, after all, that’s what warm-ups are for, but as soon as the match is ready to begin and I’m not headed for the court, it is very difficult not to feel some sort of let down. Your body is ready to play, your mind is ready to play, and there is no outlet for that emotion. You feel the emotions with the rest of the team on the court, you want to win, and you want to help your team, but in the most basic way you have no connection to what is going on inside the court. It’s a hard adjustment to make when you are used to playing all the time.

Several people have also asked me how I feel about being on the outside of the court during matches. The question usually implies that I must have a hard time being satisfied with not starting but I don’t really feel that way. Is it hard not playing all the time? Sure. But do I have an issue with it? No, definitely not. Referring to my previous post, I’m fucking Zen. I knew where I stood when I came here, and I have no problem with competing for my spot. I’m going to keep coming to practice and I’m going to keep working hard until my chance comes. Because, to be honest, I like where I am right now, I like the fact that I can see improvement in my game every week. I like that I am getting more and more comfortable with each player and their role on the team. I’m confident that when it’s my turn I’ll be ready and that’s all that I can be at this point.

Tomorrow we play our second home match of the season against Leipzig. If we want to be a top team this year that means that this has to be a win for us. When you play at home against a team not named Friedrichshafen or Duren you pretty much have to win. So, hopefully the team will come with the same intensity that it did in the first set from last week. If we do, it won’t be easy to beat us…even if I’m not on the court…