Trouble before tonight's second semi...

Several Marienlyst players disqualified from tonight's semi-final against Gentofte.

Players looked at each other in disbelief as representatives from Elite Sport Danmark's newly formed Commission for Reform Against Portliness descended upon last night's training. With scales and calipers in hand they spent nearly two hours running the bewildered players through various tests of physical fitness.

Several players have been deemed unfit to participate in any further athletic activity. While the identities of these players are unknown at this point, sources close to the commission indicate that key players will not be able to play tonight. The future of these athletes will be determined in an upcoming hearing scheduled for the 4th of August. At the hearing, the players implicated will be given the chance to prove that they have never eaten at McDonald's or ingested anything containing ingredients that are identified by E numbers. Guilty athletes will be banished from all athletic activity immediately.

A spokesperson for the commission issued this statement: "As the organization responsible for Elite Athletics here in Denmark, we are engaged in all aspects of the culture. It recently came to our attention that supposed "elite" athletes have not respected their bodies enough to keep them in top physical condition. This disregard for elite sport cannot go unpunished. The rules clearly state that athletes should maintain an outwardly clean, trim appearance (editor's note: official rules state that body fat should never exceed 9% for men) and that their souls, conscience and inner being should be unblemished. No exceptions. These players must consider how their actions reflect on the community around them and in particular the kids that look up to them."

The Marienlyst players have not been reached for comment. Sports chief Jesper Hansen offered this comment, "It's an unfortunate situation, one that I clearly never had a problem with. We'll move forward though and hope that our remaining less heavy players can be successful tonight."

The newly formed Commission for Reform Against Portliness will continue to make unannounced checks throughout the country.